Explaining Neurodivergence to Siblings Pt. 2
Previously, I shared some ideas of how to share a child’s diagnosis with their sibling. This week, we’ll look at the tricky questions that children may ask after learning about their sibling’s differences.
For Makena, understanding that her brother is autistic meant that she now had a sense of why things might be harder for him sometimes.
However, she had many questions and worries, too. Here are some of the ways her parents and I responded to her concerns.
Answering the Tough Questions
After learning this information about their sibling, every child may respond a little differently. Every response is a valid response.
However, some of these questions may be tricky or catch us off guard. Here is how we answered them for Makena.
Q: Am I autistic, too?
You also have a very cool brain with your own highways and construction zones. You’re not autistic, but we can describe your brain as “neurotypical.” This means that your brain is built in a way that is a pretty good match to what the world expects you to do and learn.
Of course, if your child is also neurodivergent, this is a great time to remind them what makes their brain unique!
Q: Is my sibling the only one?
No – there are lots of people with brains like your brother. In fact, we may even know some of them, like friends, family members, or even famous people.
Q: When my brother has a meltdown, does this mean it’s my fault?
No, it’s not your fault. Sometimes your brother’s brain gets overwhelmed and may respond in ways that are really hard – for him and for you. Now that you know more about his brain, we can brainstorm things that may be helpful to him when he’s having a hard time – but he will still get overwhelmed sometimes and that’s when we, as your parents, will step in to help.
Q: Why do you give him more attention than me?
Right now, I know it feels like more of my attention is on your brother. He needs a lot right now as we figure out how to best help. But while my attention is not quite 50/50 right now, my love is always 100/100. Let’s brainstorm some ways for us to have special time, too
Q: It’s not fair! I can’t go anywhere or do anything I want to!
I understand this is really hard and it’s ok to feel angry or frustrated. We are still learning how to best support you both and what you both need – at the same time. We’re working on strategies to make sure you get what you need as much as he gets what he needs.
Q: What do I tell my friends when they come over?
This information is just for our family right now. If your brother wants to share it in the future, that will be his choice. If he is having a hard time when your friends are here, you can tell them: “My brother is really sensitive to when things change. Sometimes he may get overwhelmed. We can help by giving him some space.” You can always ask me for help if you need to.
Q: What can I do to help?
Being curious and accepting of your brother is already a huge help. You can help by noticing what works best for him and we’ll share some strategies along the way. If things get hard, we can all solve the problem together so you both get what you need. Keep asking these good questions!
Giving Makena the space to ask these tricky questions was a key step in her understanding and acceptance of her brother’s differences.
Keeping the Conversation Going
While we were able to answer a lot of Makena’s questions in the moment, there were many more that came over time as new situations came about, and as Makena’s understanding of her brother matured.
Importantly, these conversations are not a single event – they are a journey that will continue over time.
For this reason, having additional resources at the ready has been helpful for the families I work with. Check out the links below for more tools to continue the conversation with your children and continue to celebrate neurodiversity with your family.
Videos & Visuals Spreadsheet
This spreadsheet includes kid-friendly resources to understand autism, ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety, OCD, and more.
Our Brains – A Book for Parents
Designed for parents and caregivers, Our Brains helps adults and kids talk about their differently-wired brains using vibrant visuals and interactive activities. This is an ideal resource for neurodivergent families to spark conversation about everyone’s powerfully unique brain
